If any of these dreams come true I will hate my subconscious forever.

I’m utterly convinced that my dreaming is related to my hormones. That probably sounds mental, but I’m sure it’s true.

As far as I understand it – remembering your dreams isn’t necessarily a good thing since it suggests that you have not had yourself enough of that oh-so-precious REM sleep. I’ve noticed that I usually have a week or so of proper hardcore dreaming – where I wake up every morning remembering every detail of my night time adventures – and the rest of the month have no problem. My dreams are confined to my subconscious and I never get to bore anyone with them.

INTIMATE SCIENCE KLAXON

As it happens, during those pesky lady cycles, your body temperature rises by a degree or so. Since my body barely copes with any changes, I’m convinced that whenever this happens with me, it disrupts my sleep and my mental dreaming begins. That week was last week.

There were a couple of bland nightmares, followed by a horrible one in which I managed to survive a siege in a towerblock, despite being shot six times in the stomach. I couldn’t find a way to get to the hospital (a pregnant lady broke her waters all over my feet and stole my taxi) and realised the only person I knew nearby was my ex. He fielded all my phonecalls to the local Police harrassment unit, leaving me to wander the streets with six bullet holes in my belly. What a fucker.

He was always awful to me in my dreams when we were together, which always concerned him. Sometimes you really should pay attention to your subconscious telling you to GTFO.

However, the WORST dream of last week involved a man boarding my bus I get to work everyday, proceeding to shit himself all over the vehicle. I think this was inspired by the bridal shop scene in Bridesmaids (which is beyond brilliant, by the way) as I would really worry if I just imagined someone shitting everywhere.

Oh god, it really was the worst. I saw it happen, it was EVERYWHERE. I could smell and taste the horridness in the air. It was so REAL. To the extent it woke me up and I spent 20 seconds being really bloody nervous it didn’t actually happen to me in real life. It didn’t, for the record, but by god I was terrified for a moment.

I worry for my brain sometimes.

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