Monthly Archives: April 2011

A mile and a half on a bus takes a long time.


I finally went ahead and booked some driving lessons.

This fills me with a fear unlike any fear I have ever known. But First Buses in Berkshire fill me with an anger like no other, so essentially I am swapping one extreme emotion for another.

What makes matters worse is that the instructor I spoke to sounded really lovely and I’m fully aware of my predisposition for developing hugely inappropriate crushes on men who are obliged to be nice to me. Let’s see how nice he is to me once he’s heard me shriek at the car everytime I magically make it move. It won’t last.

The last driving lesson I had was from my friend Adam, in Tesco’s car park. I panicked everytime I made the car move. That was a tad daft seeing as I’m pretty SURE that’s the point of driving.

I’ll report back on this. Hopefully with no deaths by dangerous driving and only SUCCESS.

(Oh holy fuck…)


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If you find yourself caught in love

Today began appallingly. I came into work to find a complaint addressed to me from a bloke who clearly doesn’t know how a Library works. He took deep offense to the fact that he received an overdue letter, despite having a 2-week overdue book. Bell-end.

Then I got a very exciting phonecall.

My very best friend (and wife) Hayley is now officially engaged to the magnificient (and very patient) Scott!

I’m so genuinely excited for them, I could probably explode. 

I very much like it when people are happy 🙂

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Breakfast Countdown – No. 1

1) Carrick-On-Suir – 2009

My Great-Aunt is renowned for being a bloody excellent cook. I’ve been on the receiving end of her pies, roasts and cakes all of which have been second to none.

Then I ate her breakfast.

I went over to Ireland in 2009 with an ex-boyfriend. It was in fact a surprise trip for his birthday – I’m a pretty good girlfriend to be perfectly honest. We spent a day wandering round Cork and then drove down to Tipperary, where a big chunk of my family are from. I’d been meaning to go for years, you know, to find out a bit more about my roots and all that jazz. Marie and her family fed and watered us and kept us up all night with gossip and debate. It was brilliant.

The next morning however, got a whole lot better.

Marie served up a proper Irish Breakfast. It was essentially a platter of meat, with a few nods to healthiness thrown in. Sausages galore, white and black pudding, slices of bacon which seemed an inch thick. Mushrooms and tomatoes, fried eggs and fried bread. Doorstop soda bread to mop up all the scrummy juices. And as ever with Marie, it was considered rude not to accept offers on seconds.

That breakfast saw us right through the day. Right through the drive back to the airport and our flight home. Despite being amazingly delicious, what made it most special of all was eating in the places my Nan grew up and my mum spent her childhood. At the risk of sounding like a complete dick, it was like eating a bit of history. Really fucking meaty delicious history.

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You heard the birds sing, everything will be fine.

In a rather pathetic turn of events, it appears this week I will be mostly craving affection.

The main cause of this was a visit to Godstone Farm with my adventure partner Hayley and dutiful chauffeur and fellow adventurer Scott. A glorious 4 hours were spent in the sunshine cuddling all manner of baby creatures which reinvigorated not just my biological predisposition for broodiness but the also slammed home the very fact I would actually quite like a cuddle.

Just look!

So small! So fluffy!

So small! So fluffy!

And repeat. Lots.

And yes, those really are my intensely chubby baby hands. Little bit of boob action there as well.

So back to the point. All the animal cuddling had got me feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Suppressing the feeling of “It really would be quite nice to have someone to snuggle up to” is beginning to get harder as my fear of having to deal with another human again lessens.

But you know me, for a cynic I’m quite good at the seeing the positives in any given situation. I might be feeling a little blue about being single, but at least I didn’t get E.Coli eh?

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Everyday I’m stuck in an office…

A welcome return for the Belle and Seb title there. Still no compulsion to crack out Tigermilk; my willpower continues unchallenged. It’s a shame I can’t seem to apply that determination to my never-ending battle to look less like a manatee. But there we go.

So. Today is my 2 year anniversary at work. It’s a pleasant feeling in some respects. After my brief spell on the dole (in CROYDON of all places) it’s been good to be a fully fledged member of society. I’ve been learning a skill, paying taxes and generally being a functioning human being. These are all good things.

In those two years, not much has happened workwise. We’ve been plodding along purposefully, but slowly. On the other hand, in the same two years my personal life has totally been shaken up in more ways than I’d have thought.

  • I move back to Reading, living with Nicola, Lucy et al for a couple of months until I have enough dosh to rent somewhere myself.
  • Struggle to find anywhere unfurnished in Reading, decide to rent a room in Bracknell with favourable and unpleasant consequences.
  • Reignited relationship with ex-boyfriend goes swimmingly well. I remain nervous and sceptical of this for some time.
  • Poor choice in house location becomes apparent. I’m close to work, but far from my friends – dramatically impacts on social life. Come very close to alienating one and all.
  • Become a teaching widow while the boy completes NQT year. Even now the mention of OFSTED makes my arse clench with righteous anger. Resolve to never become a teacher. Ever.
  • Make excellent friends in my landlords, who go on to get engaged, I get happily drunk and dance with kilted men at their wedding. Now eagerly awaiting their offspring.
  • Scepticism proves fruitful, smooth drama over and pretend it didn’t happen.
  • Trips to Scotland, Ireland and various POI make up for dwindling social life.
  • Lose 10lb, put on 2 stone. Lost 3 stone, put on 2 stone.
  • Get back in contact with Caz – decide to move in together.
  • The inevitable happens and the ex-ex-boyfriend becomes an ex once more. I burn with anger at this for quite some time.
  • Now cannot bare living in Bracknell. Plans to move are brought forward and I get the hell out of there. Move into amazing 3 bed house in Reading and become a new woman.
  • Get fatter.
  • Get happier.
  • Discover ex is dating a fellow teacher. I’m pleased to the extent my gut instinct is proved right once again. Pity the predictability of it all.
  • Develop a blossoming social life without the fear of relationship related guilt hanging over me. Holidays, adventures, day-trips etc are plentiful.
  • Bailiff drama happens. Not my drama, but drama nonetheless.
  • Briefly gain a new housemate. She’s sorely missed.
  • Longstanding friendship takes a massive knock. No sign of it recovering.
  • Make a bit of a fool of myself in front of a boy.
  • Get given exciting news that I’m not allowed to tell anyone at all.
  • One of my best friends has a baby and i very much want to steal her for cuddling purposes.

It’s been a busy 24 months.

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